Tagged: possession

Emotional dependency

To fall in Love is very easy. To love, is something that very few are able to know. Love cannot be learned.
Love appears when we are able to appreciate and give.
Appreciate the moment. Give yourself. This is not a “practice,” this is BEING those things without trying.
How can I “achieve” those things then?
By being completely AWARE of who you ARE now and allowing for the inner barriers to fall.
Otherwise, we bring the past to the “now,” we try to control outcomes and expect to receive what we desire, what we think is “fair.” For most, that is their version of love.

To bring the past means to feed grudges. To point out “mistakes.” To believe that someone cannot change. Control brings jealousy, the need to possess. Because there is this psychological separation, there is always the “Me “and “you” that cannot fuse into “us.” Thus, to give yourself under those terms, is only another pretty idea.

Everything in Life is meant to change. When we live through the identity of another, we will suffer when the other is gone.
Many will avoid becoming closer to another, for the fear of being hurt; but yet miss an opportunity for growth and enjoyment. They are not AWARE that inner fears do not allow someone to experience the way Life IS. With fear there cannot be love.

That emotional dependency of illusory security, does not go away when we protect ourselves from others, but when we are wide open, vulnerable, alive.

Some relationships are meant to last 1 day. Others a lifetime. Truly, there is no difference for the one who is open to Life.
The moment, the “now,” that is all that matters. Once it is gone, a new door will open if we do not bring the past with us. A new adventure will arrive if we do not try to control the surroundings. If we give ourselves to Life at every moment, we may find what Love IS.
We find by letting go.

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Love the freedom of love

When a human being is trapped in his own “movie,” when a human being is in bondage of his own thoughts, ideas, perceptions, ideals, etc. that human being is not free. Without freedom there cannot be love for love is made of freedom as the ocean is made of water.

There is love from the mind and there is love from the heart.

Love from the mind will trap someone. That love is obsessive. That love wants to possess someone. That love does not let go. The mind creates stories. Those stories have a preconceived destination. When that destination is not reached, the mind cries. When the mind cries, the heart feels. When the heart feels that sadness; there is bitterness, anger, despair and …. a disease. All of that is love of the mind.

That love from the mind has expectations. That love from the mind cannot let someone be free. That love from the mind demands for a return.

The mind has to be free to love. The mind has to be empty from words and thoughts to love. The heart needs to be free from the tight strings of the mind to dance its own tune.

Love is freedom. Utmost freedom. A free heart dances in the stage of an empty mind, for love is an ongoing experience and not a memory, a picture of the past.

Love is appreciation of beauty without trying to hold to it, to possess it with our bare hands as to make it “mine.”

Love appreciates and let freedom take over. That is love from the heart.

I cannot love a bird by holding it in my hands to “take care of it,” but by seeing it fly as it is meant to be. Not to recognize the nature of a bird is not to care about it. That is love for “normal” people. It is about what I think is “right.” It is about “me.”

Love is void of hopes. It does not have an agenda. Love does not have a “structure, “ or particular content other than to let someone “be.”

To appreciate the beauty of that moment when the bird eat from your own hands; just to become stronger before the long flight towards his own destiny; to see that bird going away; flying high in the sky… when the mind is free of the “when will you be back?,” at that point when the heart is free from the tyranny of the mind; at that point; you have felt love from the heart.

Question: If your close one is really attached to you and you can see that person is harming the self as well as other person growth and freedom by possessing that person, how can the person, (to whom other is so attached) frees the self and the other from such attachment by not hurting other person’s feelings ?

Great question. Thank you.
I am sure, many in a relationship will identify themselves. As you mentioned, this is a close relationship.
Gyan points everything back to us. If a loved one is attached to us, that attachment has to partially be related with my own behavior. The other half, is that person’s own neediness. “It takes 2 to tango.”
Gyan also teaches us that freedom and the ability to “be,” is an intrinsic right of every being. Finally, Gyan teaches us that we only have responsibility towards the self while seeing the self in relationship with others (for there is the law of karma which only spiritual knowledge allow us to consider.)

Your only responsibility is to “break” that attachment. (As a Sakar Murli will say) BUT remember it is a gradual process. We are typically, emotionally addicted to the drug of neediness and loneliness. You can remove yourself from attachment as if a dentist extracts a tooth without anesthesia, it will hurt your emotions tremendously… or you can take your time to talk a bit about your feelings with the “loved one,” understand where the other person is coming from and let your loved one know that you want something different in the relationship. This may take sometime. A temporary separation, a healthy space to give yourself and the other one time to look at themselves without the distraction of the other, may be helpful as well. This is working together to achieve that goal if both of you can see it.

Possession is definitely unhealthy. It is violence, even if in a subtle way. When there is possession there is no love, but neediness.

To be able to do this, you need to be in a position where you do not depend on anyone. See if you have any sort of dependency (financial, emotional, physical, etc.) Otherwise, you will know that there is an unhealthy relationship going on, but you will feel that it is “better to stay” as things are for you have a lot to lose. Then freedom is not as important as comfort and “status quo.”

Be honest with yourself and see if you are willing to go with whatever it takes to break this attachment. Start this with yourself by seeing in which ways you are attached to the other person.

The “method” is easy. 🙂 It took sometime to get where you are by tying up different levels of dependency to the other person. Now it is time to see those and remove them, little by little…. in a gentle way…like a loving person will treat his/her loved one.

Best Wishes!