When someone asks a question related with my “past,” it is interesting to note how in their mind, “I have not changed.” If I was to cling with something from “the past” then that change wouldn’t be possible. To let go from the past is essential to continue changing.
Thanks to the question from one reader, I have decided to express the above in my own experience. Hope this may be helpful for some.
One of the most important realizations so far in my path, as mentioned before; is that I cannot lie to myself. I need to be completely honest with myself.
But how can you lie to yourself?
🙂 In many ways.
In relationships: To have someone rather than being alone even though there is no feeling. In business: To do something, which you don’t feel to be “right” because the boss said so.
Let me just bring “my” religious experience.
As a child, I was put into a French Catholic school. That was the place when I learned about Jesus and God. Before my “first communion” before becoming a “soldier of God,” I was supposed to write in my little diary that the priest had given me, how I have done different things for “love of Jesus.”
My booklet went something like this: “I didn’t feel like doing my homework, but I did it because I love Jesus.” “I was upset when my mom nagged me to make my bed, but I did it because I love Jesus.”
Teaching: It does not matter how you feel as long as you do things you are asked to. Talk to yourself that you are not doing those things for them, but for God or Jesus.
Now I see, that was the starting point of my inner lies.
I never met Jesus. I never met God; but if the priest told me so; then that must be true. As I became older, my consciousness changed and as I was wondering about the creation of the world, sin and being punished … It was interesting to hear the answers from the priests and nuns.
“Just in the moment when apes became human, that is when the power of God almighty came to Adam, giving him free will.” That was the nun’s explanation on how to make evolution work with creationism. “Yes, the Bible is the word of God. Defend it.”
Everyone around me “believed” in that, so why not me? My consciousness at that time wasn’t able to see anything else.
My consciousness kept changing through other experiences and found out about commercialism and consumerism. “God” from what I experienced there, was a business after all. A way to control individuals rather than an inner path for self-transformation.
Somehow I ended up reading about Marx and Nietzsche when other 17-year-old kids were busy with girlfriends. My consciousness wasn’t the same as theirs.
Life continues and I met a friend who was my running coach. He was a deep Christian who had another side that I didn’t know from priests: “ He let me be as I was without trying to change me, to correct me.” That changed me… My perception about religion changed and I explored other branches of Christianity. However, my consciousness and my intellectual reasoning started to evolve to the point where, their reasons were not logical enough to outdo mine. I enjoyed that very much. It gave me the sense that “I knew” but I was still searching.
Christianity became a “sad religion” for me. I switched into a happy one: “The Hare Krishna.” I learned about being vegetarian there, I learned about dancing as an expression of worship, laughing and being in community as long as “I loved Krishna.”
The followers had experiences with Krishna just as the Catholic priests with Jesus.
The fun stage experienced there, was easily overcome by my reasonable skills. Science knows the answers. Mr. Spock was my “role model.”
All of that scientific stuff was dropped during College days. That is when I met Krishnamurti “randomly” while picking up a book to read at the college library. I was able to relate with what he was talking about: Education, thinking, discover your own path, traditions and so on. Those lines remained in my mind for many years after college.
“Kwai Chang Caine,” became my “role model” before going into the “business world.”
I became a “success story” in the “world at the office” and in the view of society; but inside me a fear of losing everything including my life, was overwhelming.
What if I don’t wake up after a good night sleep?
During that questioning is how I met the Brahma Kumaris through my sister. She was the most “unreligious” person I ever met and thanks to the experience in the Brahma Kumaris, she changed. At least in the surface.
The experience in the Brahma Kumaris was unlike anything before. It was the first time that I had experiences with “other entities,” one of them was the founder of Brahma Kumaris, Brahma Baba. I didn’t know who he was. Didn’t care in the beginning but through that experience my life changed completely.
My world turned upside down, but I thought, I found what I was looking for.
What I completely rejected at one time (Brahma Kumaris,) became completely acceptable thanks to that experience. The “self” that I built through years of “success” in the “office world,” disappeared all of the sudden through different experiences. That was very hurtful.
To put myself in the “furnace heat” of living an isolated life style where I couldn’t mingle with anyone else from “normal” society; was shocking… but I did it, “because I love God.”
How can you love God is you don’t know what love is?
Who is the one who needs to know love?
Is loving God love? or it is the feeling that we “think” is love?
That is the starting point of another path.
It is not about God, but about Me. Through living in that isolated environment gave me the chance to know about myself.
The environment to transform was given by the Brahma Kumaris, but to replace my own ideology for their ideology wasn’t allowing me to discover “Me.”
It doesn’t matter how truthful it may be. If I do not discover it by myself, it is just “blind faith.”
I could talk to myself all I want about “I am a soul not a body.” That may be true, but if I do not feel that in my “reality,” I am lying to myself.
I felt drawn to Nature and Taoism. I explored organized Zen as well, but what I discovered is that followers in a higher position without the experience of what they believe in, tend to put everything into what they know: A business or a dogmatic hierarchy based on who supports the institution the most. In short: Followers destroy little by little the experience of the founders. When a place meant for inner transformation becomes a “lifestyle” instead, then fashion arrives and with that depth goes out of the window.
When the student is ready, the teacher appears. “Mathias” the wise tree, appeared little by little for many years already. He is a good friend of mine. He knew my sister since she was a kid. I got to know him when I started my “career” in the Brahma Kumaris. He is a manifestation of Nature through a tree. That is the presentation that he prefers.
What I learn from him is to know myself and to feel universal love. To have practice on that.
I value all the paths that I have been. Every single one of them has taught me something important in my life.
The paths outlined above are not for everyone; those are not the “true paths” but they are part of our individual paths.
When consciousness originates the change, there is no sense of guilt or feeling bad when changing previous ideologies or beliefs, because it is like going from high school into College; still learning but different things according to our consciousness.
On the other hand, when change happens through a reaction or collision, through feeling cheated or through conflicts of egos or even through not listening to our consciousness, then guilt will arrive.
As mentioned many times already, this blog is meant to share my experiences and my state of consciousness at a particular time.
If someone is looking for the only “truth,” this is not the place for it. If someone is looking for God, you may have to go through different paths, to give him the opportunity to manifest in different ways. If you are looking for salvation, a place in Paradise or some other “upgrade,” this is not the place.
However, if you are looking for an honest sharing without any strings attached…Perhaps you’d like this blog.
In a nutshell: God cannot punish me for being honest with myself.